The main problem of sinning when you are in God is that the error in your actions echos in your heart long before the actions take place. This echo is even louder and more heart wrenching when you walk even closer to God. I know that I am 1000% wrong for what I desire, but I almost feel like I can’t help myself. Now the Bible tells me in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” I know this word, I have taught this word many times from the pulpit. I guess my main issue is that I am unwilling to resist it. I want what I can’t or better yet should’t have. The fact that I am a man of God who spends 89% of my time ministering, helping, and being there for other people makes me selfish when it comes to things that I desire. “In 2 miles take exit 172 to Park Avenue”… the sound of my GPS system brings me back to my drive and I switch lanes to get into the turning lane. I can’t believe that I am breaking my vow, not only to Alyshia, but to God. I had promised Him one night that I was done with my evil ways, that I would rededicate my life to Him and live holy before Him once again. I know what it is like to have a Pastor that is unfaithful to God. I know firsthand because my father is a Pastor. For many years, he had his congregation fooled into believing that he was who he proclaimed to be. That was until 2 of the young women who had carried and gave birth to my brother and sister came forward. My entire life was shattered as I witnessed my mother’s nervous breakdown. She had been a godmother to my youngest sister. 8 years had passed since she was born. My mother was at the hospital encouraging this young lady and praying with her while she was in labor. My father, who I labeled even back then as a coward, had stopped the “child support” payments to the mothers when he and my mother were planning their retirement. After a few threats to reveal his secret, they finally did in the most inappropriate way. They waited until my mother had the annual church easter tent revival event and during testimony, they both stood up together and confessed my father’s trespasses. News reporters who had come out to honor the church’s 25th annual event were suddenly rushing in great anticipation to capture my father’s sullen face as the news broke. My mother, who was usually the one to always keep her composure, just stood there flabbergasted, with her eyes darting between faces of the 2 boys who frequented our house through their childhood, and the young lady who she considered a god daughter. Her expression never changed. It was seared in my soul as I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel that I held my deepest secrets in. I sat there in my truck, thinking about all the backlash that my dad’s infidelity had caused. So many sponsors for our after school program pulled out. The deacon board lost about 6 of it’s most dedicated men. People who were partnered with the ministry broke ties and associations that had existed even before I was born. My mother ended up in a hospital (in another state because she feared news of that would destroy the fragile congregation already hurt by revelation of my dad’s true character.) I remember being nearly 18 at the time, wondering how my dad could do such a thing. Back then, I just felt disconnected, and cold towards him. Now here I am 18 years later, doing the same thing. Well, almost the same. While I haven’t fathered any children, the weight of this secret would rock the boat of my congregation for years if discovered. But i needed this release so bad. I grabbed my condoms, mustache,and turban out of my glove box. I had been wearing this little costume as a cover for so long that i was able to put them all
on with moments to spare as the valet came to give me my ticket. Hurrying into the lobby I adjusted my shades and secured the fake mustache. Even though I was nearly 2 hours away from my congregation, you never know who would be around. I pushed the button to the elevator and turned my back to the front desk. The elevator beeped and I got in. “9th floor…” I mumbled as I looked down to my Salvatore Ferragamos. The elevator operator pressed the button and my heart begin to race. I tried hard to push Alyshia and Ian out of my mind so that I wouldn’t be eaten up by the guilt of my actions. All of a sudden my mom’s face popped back into my head. She had been so crushed when all of my dad’s sins were laid before her. I didn’t ever wanna see my precious Alyshia with that weight on her shoulders. I kept saying just this last time, just this last time over and over again in my head. The problem is, the last time was the last time, and the time before was that. This situation had been going on for nearly 2 years. The elevator ring and i stepped onto the 9th floor. The smell of lavender filled my nostrils and I hurried to room 913. I exhaled, asked God to forgive me, then knocked on the door. I could hear Maxwell playing in the background. It didn’t take long for the door to open. As soon as it did, I let go of any guilt that had restrained me from the desire I had for this moment and just started kissing Keri as hard as I could. It was like electricity seared through my body as I allowed the door to close behind us. Keri pulled away, first gently but as I tightened my grasp, harder until I had to let go. “Wait, we need to talk about this before I let you get me caught up again. Are we in this for real or not? Am I gonna have to call and text for weeks again after this, or are we gonna keep this going.” I owed an explanation for all the ignored called and texts. I knew I did. But I needed this longing satisfied before my head exploded. I knew Keri wasn’t going to allow me to get past it, so I settled on the bed. Keri walked over and kissed my cheek. “Pete, please tell me that you are going to do something different this time.” I laughed and went in for another kiss. Hopefully this one would make all the questions and prodding to make a decision fade away long enough for me to get wheat I came for. It did. Afterwards, as I was getting up to shower, I felt Keri grab my shoulder. His strong hands made me sit back down. His deep voice penetrated my heart as he asked me the same question he had been asking for nearly 2 years. “Peter, when are you just going to come out of the closet and let them know you are gay?”