I am honestly having a hard time with this part of my life. Nevertheless, I believe God is allowing me to write about it to help me to heal from it. Funny thing is, had you asked me even last week about these things, I would say they are of my past and have no bearing on me. However, I found myself really experiencing the pain each time I share a part of my story. Yet I must keep writing, I have to keep sharing so that God can do what it is He is doing with this…

After my precious baby boy came out, I was stunned. Completely. Listen to me when I tell you that all the signs of pregnancy had been there for months, but somehow, I was stunned. I don’t even remember how I ended up getting my boyfriend’s sister in the bathroom, but she came and then awakened her brother. He had this horrified look on his face as I showed him our lifeless child. Remembering now, my baby was so beautiful. He was a little chunky baby, I think about 4-5 months into my term, yet he was not alive. We were so scared that we cut the umbilical cord. I cleaned myself up and sat on the bed my boyfriend’s sister and I shared. I held my baby in my arms and I just was in shock. I keep using that word because it is all I can say about it. We were convinced that we shouldn’t tell anyone but I was scared not to. We decided that we would decide in the morning. I lay in my bed, shocked beyond reason. I couldn’t believe it happened. I started to doze off and I immediately went into a vision of floating down the hall. It got darker and darker. All of a sudden I saw satan on a throne. He was laughing hysterically. I immediately got up and ran into the living room where my dad was. I got down on the floor where he was sleeping and took a deep breath. I shook him out of his sleep and told him what happened. I thought he was going to be so angry with me. I thought he was gonna condemn me and say how stupid I was for getting pregnant like everyone else. Maybe he should’ve, but he didn’t. He jumped up and said “you had a miscarriage. I’m gonna call 911.” They came quickly and they took me to the hospital. I wasn’t in any pain, but eventually all the pain of labor came upon me. I had to go through a full delivery of my placenta and what they thought may have been a twin to my baby boy.

(The strange thing about my delivery is that when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I saw myself in a vision, in the hospital room in so much pain with hair sticking up on top of my head and doctors surrounding me. I had thought it was my older sister because I was so much older, but God had forewarned me before it happened. I have had the gift of prophecy for my entire life but sometimes I don’t understand it all until much later, I don’t know why)
After my delivery, my daddy never really argued or fussed with me. He told me that I would have to tell my mother about what happened, and I did. I thank God for being able to tell the truth to him, and his responding to me in such a loving manner. Even as a parent today, I don’t know how my daddy exhibited such love to me and patience like I never have been able to have. He is a good daddy. The best in the whole world.

About a year or so later, I was living with my mother. I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited about this and told my mom, who did not have the same patience in the matter as my dad did. She yelled at me, told me that she was disappointed (Everything a mother should tell a 17 year old who is pregnant for the second time). Eventually she was okay with it and we begin to plan on what to do for the child. I set up doctor’s appointments and I was very excited about my new child. I miscarried that child very early in that pregnancy and I was very sad. During this time, my boyfriend had graduated high school and did not go to college. So we would still hang out and see each other outside of school. However, not being in anyone’s school gave him a lot of time on his hands. I remember one of my sister’s friends telling my sister and mom about a woman (she was older than him) who she had been seeing him with on the other side of town. I remember my mom told me and I asked him. He told me no, and I told my mom who was like “DO YOU REALLY THINK HE’S GONNA TELL YOU YES HE’S CHEATING?” Come to find out he indeed was cheating with this lady. My little naive self was willing to forgive, on account that he told her it was over. He drove my dad’s truck to her house, pulled in front of it, and told her it was over (somehow that was enough). We stayed together and he continued to cheat so many times I can’t even tell you. On top of that, he had started beating on me. He would fight me whenever we argued and then apologize then do it again. I never left, never told anyone, just allowed him to beat on me and cheat on me and whenever I found out, he apologized and did it again. My life took a turn for the worse as I was close to finishing 11th grade and found out I was pregnant yet again…